Invisible Anxiety

As a person with chronic health issues, I find myself with invisible anxiety. This anxiety is not seen by others but it is felt by me. I only notice it after I become very anxious. This invisible anxiety would present itself as frustration. I don’t feel that frustration is the best way to deal with this so I am trying to find a way to manage my anxiety in different ways. One of the reasons I feel that this invisible anxiety exists is because as a person with a disability I always feel less than. I try to push myself to be something I am not and may never be. As a consequence of pushing oneself, I become exhausted and this is when my anxiety begins. If I address it at that time, I may be able to calm myself down but if there is a life event that does not allow for a period of rest this anxiety begins to carry over. As this anxiety carries over it will reach a tipping point which in my case means complete exhaustion and rest for an extended period of time. The reason I feel that it is invisible anxiety is that during these days people usually do not see or hear from me. So it seems like I am always doing ok but in reality, that is the one good day I had that week. I do not have a disability that can be masked but I continue to try to make the best of a difficult situation. I have learned that the best way to conquer this anxiety is to make it visible maybe not to everyone but at least to yourself. Once that is done and you brought the anxiety from the darkest to the light, you can begin to deal with your anxiety in real time instead of waiting until you have no choice but to deal with your anxiety.  I will leave you with this quote “Our anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strengths.” ― Charles Haddon Spurgeon

Quote from Goodreads

Dating With A Disability

I have seen a lot of posts over the years about trials and tribulations of dating with a disability.  This has always been an issue for me as well. I never felt like I was worthy of someone’s affection. I always felt like I needed to overcompensate for my disabilities with intelligence and/or humor because I felt that no one would accept me with all of my problems. I tried this method for years and even had some success but as my disease progressed it became harder to hide. I made a lot of mistakes but I learned from them. One constant that I noticed was that most of the people I dated never mentioned or seemed to feel like I was less than anyone else. I finally came to the conclusion that I was causing the problems in my relationships because I did not allow myself to be my true self. I always thought that when they find out how sick I am they will leave me so I might as well start to push them away now. This inability to be who I was caused daily anxiety, stress, and frustration that had a negative effect on my relationship. In the end, I succeeded in pushing that person away with no hope of reconciliation. I regret that now not because I am not happy with my life but I never wanted to make someone feel less than the amazing person they are. I realized that accepting yourself and having the confidence to be your true self is the first step in finding another person to be in a relationship with. So for people with chronic illnesses like me, embracing our true selves as the special and amazing human beings that we are is the most attractive quality we can have and it does not require anything more than what we are at this very moment. Eventually, you will find the right person for you and they will love you for the person you truly are. I know this is possible because that’s what happen to me and I have never been more myself and happier than I am right now. I will leave you with this quote “ Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.”– Malcolm S. Forbes

Quote from The Positivity Blog

What is a Spoonie or The Spoon Theory?

I learned a new word this weekend for people that struggle with chronic illnesses such as myself. The word is Spoonie or Spoonies. At first, I thought that was a beautifully odd thing to have on your profile but I have friends that love Sporks so it did not seem unusual to me. Then, I became instantly curious about that the word might mean and started looking for all the information I could find about the Spoon Theory. So, a Spoonie is a person living with chronic illness, that identifies with Christine Miserandino’s Spoon Theory. Spoonies are people that live with chronic illness; theoretically measuring personal daily abilities much as one would measure the proper amount of spoons needed for an event or occasion… sometimes having an abundance, other times coming up short.  I really like this word and this theory, I think that sometimes it is really hard to explain what it is like to have a chronic illness. I found a youtube video from a while back that explains the spoon theory and how it became a symbol of chronic illnesses. I hope you can share this video or article with anyone in your life that has a chronic illness or family and friends that may need some help understanding your daily life with a chronic illness.  I think that is the Internet has become a great tool to express what it is like to live with a chronic illness. I hope you find this story inspiring and maybe you will write the next great story or chapter for chronic illness awareness.  I will leave you with this quote  “Start by doing what’s necessary; then do what’s possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.” -Francis of Assisi